


The Art of Escapism

by thisaccountisdone



Category: Community
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-08
Updated: 2011-11-08
Packaged: 2017-10-25 20:50:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/274661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisaccountisdone/pseuds/thisaccountisdone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knows this isn't television. He knows it's real life. No, there's nothing wrong with him.<br/>He's fine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Art of Escapism

He likes to watch them. He likes to pretend this is a TV show; if he stares hard enough, he can predict their next line and the plot twist. Some days he’ll pick out a genre and fine tune his eyes to see that. They’re usually a romantic comedy but sometimes there’s drama and horror. He doesn’t like to focus on the horror. He doesn’t like the humanity of knowing that real monsters aren’t under your bed but they’re inside and all around you and there are shadows everywhere you look.  
  
He’ll let them all believe there’s something wrong with him and maybe there is. Maybe he’s not supposed to lock it all away behind references and metaphors. That’s how it is, though. He’s been doing it for so long that he can’t break the pattern even if he wanted to. He can feel that way. He lives vicariously through television. He watches it until he knows every character like he’s known them his whole life. He knows how movies should end and how they’re supposed to end. He knows who will get the girl and who has a bad childhood and who is going to get booted off. There’s some sort of consistency there.  
  
The worst shows are the ones that topple his predictions. He doesn’t like when they end up going awry. It’s harder to handle than real life and maybe that’s a problem. Maybe that’s wrong. Still, he keeps watching. He keeps looking and listening and hoping that maybe real life will turn out the way it should in TV. Everyone should end up happy.  
  
He doesn’t like it when everyone is hurting. He knows that’s what makes it like real life but he can’t stand it. He needs the characters to be happy so that he can be happy. He feels everything they feel. He knows he should be impartial. He should be picking it apart and telling himself what they did wrong. After awhile, he does that. After he watches it until they seem real, he can do that.  
  
It’s escapism in the purest form. He’s built up a shell. Soon, he can’t feel anything. He’s numb but everyone thinks that’s normal. Maybe it is normal. He doesn’t know how long it’s been this way. He knows that it’s artificial when he cries over shows ending. He knows he’s only crying because one of his worlds just crumpled and now he needs to find something that can take its place. He needs for everything to be perfect and go according to script. He needs the right people to end up together; the ones who have chemistry and make each other happy.  
  
It’s easier to feel when he pretends his life is a TV show. He knows that isn’t how it works but he doesn’t care anymore. He’s stopped caring about anything but the thrill he gets when he’s watching a new show or movie. Sometimes he’ll get his expectations raised and then it will let him down. That reminds him of real life. When he’s been feeling especially bad or hollow, he’ll put in something he’s already seen. He’ll recite every line and immerse himself in their world.  
  
When he can’t sleep, he pretends he’s a character in some show. He already has his back story worked out. He has his flaws and his talents and the plot twist. He has the deep, dark secret that the characters will cower away from but ultimately will love him for. He replays the same scenario until he falls asleep and sees it behind his eyelids.  
  
He knows real life isn’t a television show. It’s not structured enough and everyone is miserable. Everyone hates themselves so they push it off on each other. He hates real life. He knows how it should be but it isn’t and he hates it. Sometimes it hurts so much and at night, he can’t focus on anything else. He would never tell anyone but sometimes he can’t even pay attention to what he’s watching. His vision will start to blur and he’ll fall into thinking and that hole in his heart that he fills with media will gape open and _hurt_. God, sometimes it just hurts.  
  
The thing is, no one expects it. He wonders what would happen if he just broke down like he did at Christmas. Except Christmas was different and Christmas was bad and he didn’t _really_ break down. He kind of skidded to a stop but he tried to make the best of it. No, he means complete and total meltdown. He means show stopping, plot twisting, jump-the-shark breaking point. If real life were a movie, he would be the awkward kid who suddenly goes gun toting on the top of a tower. He would be the fuck up.  
  
But this is real life. In real life, he just pushes his problems back until he can’t see them and he forgets. He pushes everything back until there’s a hole and he fills that hole with TV. In real life, he focuses on his friends’ problems and pretends that he’s watching a show. He analyzes them until he can tell them about their childhood and their views and he _knows_ them. He can tell you their favourite colour even though they’ve never told him and he can tell you what kind of music they like. It’s easier when he can fit them into tropes because when they’re unpredictable, he has to face reality and that’s something he doesn’t want to do.  
  
He doesn’t mind if they think something’s wrong with him. He doesn’t mind if they tell him he’s delusional or he needs help. They don’t know his secret. They wade through life without a guide and they have to go it alone. They have nothing but themselves. He knows every move and story line before it happens and he knows who’s going home with whom. He knows the lines and when the script changes, he’ll adjust. When everyone else is floundering, he can tread the water and find the light because _he knows_. Maybe there is something wrong with him and maybe he’s not okay but he feels fine.  
  
He’ll stick to that answer whenever anyone asks; _fine_. He’s hollow like that chocolate Easter bunny Troy left under his bed but it’s okay. He swears it’s okay. He knows how to get through things and if he looks through the right lenses, everything is a show. The world is a stage and he’s a player but the thing is, he knows his part and he’s seen the script. He knows how it ends and he’s content to sit back and let it happen. He’s fine. His face is impassive but he makes sure to let his lips curl up ever so slightly.  
  
 _Fine_.


End file.
